Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
