life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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