Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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