I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
