i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
FUCK WHALES
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
