Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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