Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
