she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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