I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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