only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
