I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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