My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
