Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
