I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
