Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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