Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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