i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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