I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
