guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
