The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
