there's paper in my vomit.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
