no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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