Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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