So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
