Four minutes until I can fart!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
