im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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