Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
