I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
