mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
