I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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