I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
