Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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