I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
