The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think a kid would responsible me up
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
