so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
