The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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