Whatcha textin bout Willis?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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