Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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