Me. At least after what I've been through.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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