found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
