I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
don't judge my taste in strippers
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
