Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
