i need an iv and a liver transplant
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
