Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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