I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
