he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
