I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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