At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
