I looked at my own cervix.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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