Jerry, you need to find god
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
