My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
he just fucked me for my cheese.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
