If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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