Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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