I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize