I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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