So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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