Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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